I crave snow so much it's starting to consume me.
Yet the sky remains stubbornly stingy, spitting out random flakes here and there and carrying the sweet, clean scent of snow just to tease us.
And the temperature is so schizophrenic-- it's cold, no it's warm, hell it's 50 degrees in the sun.
I've said it before, but the entire East Coast feels constipated and I'm suffering vicariously right along with it. It's also sort of comparable to that trapped feeling I got when I was hugely pregnant and five days past my due date with Esther. You go into this waiting place where it feels as if nothing will ever change.
Then there's the added pressure from my children, taught to love and worship snow as if it were a holy savior, who badger me every single morning:
"Why won't it snow? We're never going to get any snow. I thought you said it was going to snow? You lied. That stupid weatherman doesn't know anything."
I feel their pain. It is a physical pain. And I share their longing. And it feels so stupid to be putting this much energy into something that is totally and completely out of our control. It feels stupid because it is stupid. But I have this unshakeable memory of winters spent under a pillowy blanket of white snow. When I wasn't burrowing under it, or wallowing in it, or gliding across it, or ingesting it, hurling it, or shaping it into figures, or lying in it with my face to the sky, watching it drift, from an infinite source, or staring out the window and marveling at its perfection.
And I've been whining lately that if this is truly it, if global warming really will spell the end of winter on this earth, I want to relocate myself to wherever it is on the globe where the last mound of snow melts. Call me selfish, or irreverent to a real crisis, but if the world is going to end, as some say it might tomorrow, I want to be surrounded by my sweetest memories of it.
I will take it as a sign of good things to come that the Wikimedia photo of the day, today, Dec. 20th, my birthday coincidentally, is this shot of a Norwegian freight train: